God, you let me down.
Wait…hold up…did she really just say that?
You took something away from me far too soon. You put a giant hole in my heart. You failed to answer what I prayed so hard for. You left my family in shambles. You took one of the most important things to me. You threw confusion into my life. You stole a part of my future.
God, I know you may think you have it all together, but clearly you don’t. You should have just listened to me and then none of this would have ever happened. My family would be together; I’d be on a different, probably easier, path; and I’d still have a dad to guide me and love me. But hey, whatever, you just keep on doing whatever it is you do…
Baring this ugly and sinful side of my heart is not easy, but I think it’s important. I’ve wrestled with these thoughts at one point or another in the past 11 months, but it’s not something I’ve been very open about. I think I was trying to hide it more from myself than anyone else; however, I’ve finally faced the raw, honest, and vulnerable questions that have plagued my mind. If God really loves me and wants me to love him, then why did he let something so tragic happen?
You know the whole proverbial “Five Stages of Grief” thing? For some reason, I thought I was above all that. I didn’t think it applied to me because I just didn’t see myself fitting into any of those categories. Man, have I recently discovered just how very wrong I am on that one.
Anger: a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.
You know, I’ve never really been an angry person (except for when I was an angsty 14-year-old and hated the world). Anger and me just never really went together. I mean, yeah, I’m human and I’ll get angry at some points. But my anger blows over easily, like a leaf blowing in the wind.
But now, I find that there is anger deep within my heart. But more than that, there is hurt. And let’s be real, it’s much easier to let anger manifest in order to cover up the pain. I covered it so well, even to my own probing heart.
The culmination of realizing all the junk that still remains in my heart has unsettled me to say the least. There is still so much that I haven’t surrendered at the foot of the cross, to the One who is able to fully heal and restore. And hiding it and pretending that everything is okay just isn’t working.
It’s not okay that I don’t have a dad anymore. And it never will be. But you know what? It’s okay that it’s not okay. You know why? Because I have the opportunity to be fully restored by my Creator. If I let him, I can relinquish the anger and hurt that I unknowingly have been clinging to and let his redemptive work take place.
And I want to, so so so bad do I want to. But navigating this new path is taking some trial and error. Thus far, I’ve learned that the whole trying to ignore it thing just isn’t working (duh). Seriously, it’s taken me almost 8 years to realize this one. It’s almost funny but totally not funny all at the same time. Now I’m onto the next route: confront it and work through it. WOW IS THIS ONE HARD. Real talk guys, now I see why I’ve gotten into the habit of ignoring all my problems for all these years. BUT this is the option I want. I choose it. And I know that through the painful realizations I am making, further healing IS happening. God is helping me to break down the walls this evil, sinful, and fallen world was led me to put up. But ultimately, I’M the one that put those walls up. And while I must choose to let those walls down, Christ is the only one who can come into my hardened heart and heal it.
When I imagine the person I want to be, I don’t want to be hardened and closed off. That’s just not the way God created us to be. I want to be overflowing with love and the Spirit, full of life and His light, being a vessel for him. I’ll always be a work in progress, and I thank the Lord that he cares so much for me that he opens my eyes to the less than admirable parts of me.
And this anger I’ve been harboring against God? It’s just not right. My displeasure against God indicates that I think he did something wrong. God. The Creator of heaven and earth. The Lord that gave us his only son. The One who makes us new. Him who sees all of eternity. And then there is me, a fickle-hearted and sinful human, who stands here today and questions him. This anger has created a separation between me and the One who my soul longs for, a separation that is tainting all other aspects of my life.
And it’s not okay. Being angry and challenging God is just not okay. But what is okay? Telling him about my anger. Expressing to him that my heart harbors hurt and anger. You know what, ultimately he already knows what’s in my closed-off heart. But this confession? It frees me from letting the anger isolate and control me. I refuse to be enslaved to an emotion that tries to separate me from the grace and mercy my savior so freely pours out.
God has gotten me this far in life, providing for all my needs, and I know that he will not abandon me now. He’s been patiently waiting for me to open my eyes and surrender more of myself to him, especially the burdens I’ve refused to release until now. I will continue to cling to him, trusting that he who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus (Philippians 1: 6).
…Still through the tears and the questioning why
I will stand my ground where hope can be found!…
//O’ Lord by Lauren Daigle
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